#10 – Song of (All By) Myself
Instilling autonomy and encouraging independence … and remembering to shut the door
“There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better.” – Tom Robbins
Young Kid contains multitudes. Every minute is an opportunity for a new mood to strike, for his face to quickly transform from full-on wailing into a mischievous smile, for relaxing on the couch to turn into throwing toys across the room. It’s part and parcel, from what I’ve heard and read, for children of his age, when the emotions are coming faster than he can process them, and as with most things, YK has his own special blend of emotions, which include his father’s less-than-desirable qualities of exasperation, derision and bullheadedness. (You’re all welcome.)
While I find all of this fascinating (the most polite adjective I could think of), the most interesting part of the stage my little Whitman is in right now is the way he toggles from super-independent to insanely needy and back again. It is as if there is a battle in his brain between two distinct Young Kids for control of his actions, and neither is giving any ground.
There is Autonomous YK, whose catch phrase “I do it all by myself” has been repeated often and usually in that exasperated tone we mentioned earlier. If you dare try to throw away a piece of trash that he wanted to dispose of himself, or put parmesan cheese on his pasta for him, or carry something twice his body weight across the room instead of letting him do it, well, be prepared to face his wrath. I for one love AYK—most of the time—and have learned to offer guidance rather than assistance, unless of course we’re on a deadline or I’ve lost my patience or I know he physically cannot handle the task … so, uh, yeah, we have our battles.
And then there is Clingy YK, whose catch phrase “I just want to hold you” is kinda adorable in some contexts but probably not very healthy (and not at all productive) in others. I cut CYK some slack in the moments after he wakes up, when his body is still in snuggle mode, or at the end of a long day in which he doesn’t have any physical or mental energy left (right there with ya, buddy), but in many other instances, I find myself peeling him off my leg and/or trying to prevent a full-scale emotional meltdown. He wants assurance and comfort, and I get that, but am also cognizant of the fact that it can’t be his default response to any negative emotion (cut to 25-year-old Young Kid wrapped around his 66-year-old father like a monkey while we peruse the produce section) and am trying to get him to understand this, too. The contrast between CYK and AYK is underscored by his habit of saying “No Daddy can do it” when I ask him to fetch his water bottle or, God forbid, pick up five of the 43 toys on the floor.
The challenges, then, are what can or should I do to help him determine which things he can do himself and when to accept help (not to mention his own limitations)? And how can I help him feel secure or calm without him trying to climb inside my skin or his mother’s? These are challenges requiring differing skill sets and tactics, I think, but if we’re successful at executing both we will, in theory, wind up with a self-sufficient, self-confident and mentally tough human being who hopefully picks up some empathy and compassion along the way.
See, I want Young Kid to be autonomous. The feeling I get when he figures out how to do something that’s been frustrating him for 10 seconds or two weeks is satisfaction of a new and intoxicating flavor, one of the prime benefits of parenting, and watching the pride he takes in it is even better. And, yeah, it’d be great if he picked up all his toys every night, but I’m more focused on the big picture, when he can fix a leaky sink by watching a quick YouTube tutorial or adjust to a crisis at work without waiting for guidance from his boss. The world needs more self-reliant people, in OD’s humble opinion, and while this manifests itself in different ways for most of us depending on background and skill sets, I figure the most I can do for him now is by doing as little as possible for him now. The urge to step in and handle things myself is ever-tempting, maybe because I’m an old dad or because patience just isn’t my thing, but it’s not doing him or me any good.
At the same time … he’s 3. He is writing figurative checks he cannot cash in a script that only makes sense to him. He can unlock and open and close the door to the back deck, but never seems to remember to do the last one without seven, ahem, polite reminders from his dad. Just because he wants to dress himself does not mean he can actually do it, and while he’s free to go wild, and often does, with the grated parm on his own spaghetti, I don’t let him anywhere near mine. I’ve made efforts to encourage him when he sets out to achieve both tasks that are in his wheelhouse and those that aren’t (and I’ve been surprised at how many fall into the former category) knowing that I’ll need to provide some gentle consolation on the occasions that he simply doesn’t have the dexterity/knowledge/experience to achieve those in the latter category.
As for the clinginess, I’m hopeful that it’s just a phase, and somewhat heartened by the fact that I don’t have to do nearly as much leg-peeling as Young Kid’s Mom does. I’m glad he feels safe around us and trusts us, but he also needs to learn, and the sooner the better, that Mom and Dad won’t always be there to fight his battles for him or even to provide encouragement or advice. There will be times for hugs and airplane rides (for a couple more years, anyway) and playing with toys and other stuff that he wants to do but also (sorry, dude) many more times for doing stuff that he has to do. As far as I can tell, this is the first rule of adulthood, and though that particular adventure is a loooong way off (get him to preschool first, OD), an early primer might be the difference between having a spoiled brat or a helpful, responsible son living with me for the next 15 years. For now, it’s all about trying to avoid whiplash as he switches from refusing to move off my lap to trying to clean the entire house.
Maybe just start with putting away those trucks … all by yourself.
This is a hard one for busy parents because we know we can do it faster. I try take my kiddo's lead. If he's frustrated that I'm trying to step in, I step back. If watching him struggle is exasperating me, I'll ask, do you want help? or, Can I show you a trick to make that easier? Or I jam my fist into my mouth and scream. Depends on the day.
A wise man once said, "never do something for your kid that they can do themselves."
Obviously, the devil is in the details. Urgency, safety, impatience, ignorance, and exhaustion (ok, fine, laziness) will have us all falling short, but I think this simple rule is a good target to try to reach, except for when it isn't... it's all very simple.